Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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