What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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