WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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