Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
