paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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