White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize