dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
