when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
