Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
