why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
