Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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