i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
