You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
