I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
