don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
