Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
