i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
