My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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