Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
