I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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