I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
