He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
