Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
