2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
