I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
