The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize