hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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