I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
