Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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