I think my fart just growled at me.
Just cropdusted the office
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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