Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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