you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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