I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
