I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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