He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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