I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
