i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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