I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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