so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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