I wish I could teleport
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
