Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
