You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
there is glitter all over my balls
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