so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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