So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
