I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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