apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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