My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
