Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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