you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
