THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
