Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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