Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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