forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
