tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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