At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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