I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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