If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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