I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i came on her dog
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
