plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
